I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
