if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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