Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize