My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
