I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
