dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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