so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
