He kissed a someone with a penis
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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