I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
