So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
