Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
