I will die if light touches me.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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