I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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