They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
