She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
