Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
