My Higher Power is John Stamos
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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