Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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