Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
