Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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