i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
