I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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