im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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