I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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