If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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