Can i not drive my cunt home
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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