Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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