Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
