Sorry, I don't speak sober.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
