You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also, beer. Big fan.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
