Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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