so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
