I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
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