you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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