We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize