Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
