I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
