He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
