I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
