Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
