What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
