i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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