don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
