I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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