I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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