Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
