i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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