the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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