First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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