i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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