Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
