a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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