The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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