Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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