Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
