I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Help. Why am I so naked?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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