I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
