Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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