i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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