I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize