we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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