I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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