Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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