Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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