Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize