I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
