i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
