What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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