it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
