I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
