So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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