we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
