i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize