Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
