I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
