Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
